When I was in elementary school, we were asked to write our long-term goals on our report cards. I wrote: “Get a PhD.” I was maybe eight. A few days later, the teacher called me into the office. She told me to change it. “That’s too far out,” she said. “That’s not what I meant.” I remember sitting there, confused but certain. “But that’s what I want,” I told her. Still, they made me cross it out and write something more “realistic.”
It wasn’t the last time I was asked to shrink a dream. Throughout school, academia, and into professional life, I’ve heard the same refrain, over and over, dressed up in different language: “That’s too much—for you.” And so, like many women, I learned to split myself in two. The outer Tatiana—composed, acceptable, strategic. And the inner Tatiana—ambitious, visionary, quietly holding dreams that often felt too big for the room.
By the time I was 25, I was often the youngest and the only woman at the table. In meetings, whenever I voiced a bold idea, I’d hear that familiar, well-meaning hesitation: “I’m not sure that’s realistic.” I watched as those comments were reserved only for women—never for the men beside me. Each time it happened, a subtle message was delivered: your ambition makes others uncomfortable. A flush of shame would rise—as if wanting more, striving further, was somehow unbecoming.
I was even told—directly—that pursuing an academic career might not be suitable for a woman. Why? Because women “need to have children,” and motherhood, I was warned, would interfere with my ability to publish. Did my male peers ever get that advice? Of course not. No one pulled them aside to suggest their ambition might conflict with their biology. The implication was clear: my capacity to succeed was conditional, negotiable—fragile in a way theirs wasn’t.
And even now, at this stage in my career, I still encounter that voice. I’m at a moment of reflection—assessing what I want to build next. And I feel it again: the weight of my own desires. That old whisper, “That’s too much. Who do you think you are?” But I’ve come to recognize that voice for what it really is—not personal failure, not a flaw in character, but a relic of cultural conditioning. A voice inherited from generations of people who didn’t know how to recognize potential, so they learned to quiet it instead.
That’s why I’m writing this.
Because when I look around—at clients, colleagues, and students—I see that same silent voice reflected back. I see the ambition held back, the confidence second-guessed, the goals cautiously edited down. And I want us to name it. To challenge it. To overcome it.
Because the truth is: there is nothing shameful about wanting more. Ambition is not arrogance. It’s not selfish. It’s not too much. It’s the spark that builds, transforms, and leads. And it’s time we stopped apologizing for it.
The Cost of Ambition: When Success Triggers Shame
Emerging research and countless personal stories reveal a troubling paradox: the very qualities that lead to success – drive, assertiveness, bold vision – often carry a social cost for women. Sociologists and psychologists have documented a persistent ambition penalty for women in the workplace. While men are frequently praised and rewarded for their ambition, women are far more likely to be penalized – facing skepticism, pushback, or dislike – for acting on theirs. In other words, it’s not that women lack ambition; rather, women’s ambition often invites backlash in ways men’s does not.
This dynamic has real impacts on women’s careers and well-being. A 2023 international study of over 4,700 professional women found that nearly 87% had experienced some form of hostility or ostracism at work because of their success or achievements. In corporate environments, ambitious women are more likely to be left out of meetings, undermined, subjected to belittling comments, or have their accomplishments dismissed – all because they dared to “grow too tall” in a field of shorter poppies. This phenomenon is so prevalent that researchers have given it a name: Tall Poppy Syndrome, referring to the tendency to “cut down” high-achieving women to keep them in their place. In fact, the more accomplished a woman becomes, the more likely she is to face these subtle (and not-so-subtle) aggressions from colleagues and even superiors.
Over time, these experiences take a heavy toll. Women who face such pushback report higher stress, hits to their mental health, and an erosion of confidence. Many start to question themselves and shrink their aspirations to avoid drawing negative attention. In the Tallest Poppy study, 60.5% of women said they felt they would be penalized if they were perceived as “ambitious” at work. Imagine how many brilliant ideas are never voiced and how many leadership opportunities are passed up because capable women anticipate the backlash their ambition might unleash. The result is often a quiet, internalized shame – a sense that wanting more or striving for leadership is somehow wrong. Women start to feel that they “simply cannot do success right without suffering consequences” – a classic double bind in which we’re damned if we do and doomed if we don’t.
It’s critical to stress that this shame around ambition is not a sign of women’s lack of drive or resilience. Rather, it’s a socially induced response to persistent bias. In fact, research shows that women start their careers just as ambitious as men, with roughly equal aspirations to reach top leadership roles. However, ambition is not a fixed trait; it is nurtured – or damaged – by the daily interactions, conversations, and opportunities that women encounter over time. And in North America and beyond, too many daily interactions still send the message that a woman aiming for more is “overreaching.” Over years, those messages compound into self-doubt. Women learn to tamp down their goals to avoid “rocking the boat.” The shame doesn’t come from within us naturally – it is absorbed from a workplace culture that still struggles to embrace women’s full ambition.
Why Ambition Triggers Backlash and Doubt
Why do capable, high-achieving women so often find their ambition meeting resistance? Several overlapping mechanisms in our culture drive this pattern of backlash and internalized doubt:
Backlash and the "Likeability" Penalty
Decades of studies have found that women who act assertively or excel in traditionally male-dominated roles often face a social penalty. Psychologists call this the backlash against “agentic” women – those who display agency, confidence, or leadership. The root cause is a stereotype mismatch: we expect men to be ambitious and assertive, so we admire those traits in men; but we expect women to be kind, modest, and communal. When a woman asserts herself or succeeds, it clashes with what people think a woman “should” be, and it feels jarring. In fact, when women take charge, people (both men and women) tend to like them less simply because it defies gender expectations. This likeability bias means an ambitious woman might be labeled “too aggressive,” “unfeminine,” or “bossy,” whereas the same behavior in a man would be seen as strong leadership. The result? Women often find themselves walking a tightrope: if they aren’t ambitious, they get stuck beneath the glass ceiling, but if they are ambitious, they risk social sanctions. Living in this no-win scenario can easily breed shame and frustration about one’s goals.
Internalized Gender Norms and Doubts
After years of navigating biased responses, many women begin to internalize the idea that perhaps the critics are right. From childhood onward, girls are subtly taught to value being liked, to avoid outshining others, and to put others first. Ambition can feel in conflict with these long-standing feminine norms. As one leadership coach observed, there’s an almost unconscious mistrust of women’s motivations – society has long assumed men should be providers and ambitious, while women should be nurturers. So an ambitious woman may wrestle with guilt, wondering, “Am I being selfish?”
This internalized bias (essentially a form of internalized misogyny) shows up in behaviors. Women might downplay their achievements, hesitate to negotiate for themselves, or smile more to seem “nice” even when wielding authority. They may distance themselves from the label “ambitious” altogether because they’ve absorbed the stigma around it. In extreme cases, women in senior roles might even enforce these norms on other women – the classic “queen bee” syndrome – having come to believe that only one woman can succeed in a male-dominated arena. All of these responses are coping mechanisms to avoid the sting of social rejection. And all are fueled by the ingrained lessons many of us have absorbed about how women “should” behave.
Stereotype Threat and Solo Status
For many women – especially those who are pioneers in their fields or the first/only woman in the room – there is an added psychological weight known as stereotype threat. This well-documented phenomenon is the anxiety one feels about inadvertently confirming a negative stereotype about their group. A woman leader who is aware of the cliché that “women aren’t good at leadership” may feel extra pressure not to slip up, knowing any mistake could reinforce that stereotype. I remember sitting in executive meetings acutely conscious that if I failed, it might reinforce others’ biases about women. That awareness can be distracting and demoralizing. Indeed, research shows that women experience stereotype threat in leadership contexts, which can undermine their confidence and aspirations. Moreover, being the only woman (or one of very few) in a group heightens visibility – any mistake feels magnified. Over time, this pressure to represent “all women” can induce shame and exhaustion, as if any personal shortcoming would prove the biased views right. It’s a heavy burden that men in the majority seldom experience.
These factors intertwine to create a climate where a woman’s ambition is too often met with raised eyebrows or outright roadblocks. The double standards at play are stark: a behavior seen as strong leadership in a man (for example, being decisive or proactively pursuing a promotion) may be deemed presumptuous or abrasive in a woman. And this cultural programming doesn’t just come from men – women and men alike can unconsciously hold these biases. The result is that women with big dreams have to fight not only for resources and roles, but also fight an emotional battle within, fending off the nagging feeling that they are somehow wrong for wanting more.
Understanding these mechanisms is the first step to change. When we name the real problem – bias, not inadequacy – we begin to realize that the shame we feel has been put on us by society. As Dr. Rumeet Billan, lead researcher of the Tallest Poppy study, explains, recognizing these patterns legitimizes the experiences of women who have endured them throughout their careers. In other words, it’s not “just you,” and it’s not in your head. There are systemic forces at work. And because these forces are learned, they can be unlearned and overcome.
Overcoming Shame and Reclaiming Ambition: Strategies for Women Leaders
Shame flourishes in silence and isolation. To break free, we need deliberate strategies to strengthen our mindset and create an environment where our ambition can thrive. Below are evidence-based approaches – drawn from research and women’s real experiences – to help overcome shame and reclaim your rightful ambition:
Name It to Tame It – Recognize Bias (It’s Not You)
The first step is awareness. Understand that feeling ashamed of your ambition is a learned reaction to bias – not a reflection of your actual ability or worth. Give the phenomenon a name: call it “likeability bias,” an “ambition penalty,” or “Tall Poppy Syndrome.” By naming it, you externalize it. This is something happening to you, not something inherently wrong with you. For example, if you notice you’re holding back in meetings for fear of being disliked, remind yourself: “Ah, this is the likeability penalty at work. It affects many women – I’m not alone.” Simply acknowledging these biases openly can start to diminish their power. In fact, experts recommend learning to recognize and call out Tall Poppy Syndrome when it occurs. Rather than internalizing a snide remark or criticism, try to see it as evidence that you’re pushing boundaries (which is actually a good thing!). In my own journey, just realizing that other women had faced the same “you’re too ambitious” trope helped me stop apologizing for my goals. When I stopped seeing it as a personal failing, the shame lost much of its grip.
Flip the Script on Internal Narratives
Next, replace those internalized negative messages with empowering truths. When that little voice whispers, “Am I being selfish or unfeminine by wanting a top role?”, answer it back with facts. Remind yourself that your ambition aligns with your values and talents. You aspire to lead or create because you care about impact, growth, and perhaps improving things for others. There is nothing unwomanly about that. In fact, companies with more women leaders consistently perform better, and women’s leadership tends to foster positive, inclusive workplaces. Try reframing your ambition as a form of courage and authenticity rather than a flaw. One powerful tactic here is to practice self-compassion: treat yourself as you would a close friend. Instead of chastising yourself for not being “likable enough,” acknowledge that it’s hard to go against the grain – and commend yourself for your bravery in doing so. As leadership expert Jamie Stalzer notes, women need to trust themselves (and each other) that by being ambitious, they’re not being selfish. Internalize the idea that pursuing your goals is an act of strength – one that ultimately benefits your team, organization, and the people who follow after you.
Build Your Squad: Seek Out Supportive Allies and Mentors
Shame withers in the light of empathy. One of the most effective antidotes to feeling alone or “not enough” is to connect with others who get it. Seek out mentors, sponsors, or peers (women or men) who affirm your ambitions and remind you that you’re capable. A good mentor or coach can offer both strategic career advice and much-needed encouragement when doubt starts to creep in. Don’t hesitate to explicitly discuss the unique challenges of being an ambitious woman with these trusted allies. Often, just hearing a respected colleague say, “I believe in you – and here’s how you can navigate this,” does wonders to dispel lingering shame.
If a formal mentor is hard to find, consider joining professional women’s networks or leadership workshops. Many organizations have affinity groups or “Women in [Industry]” forums where senior women share stories of overcoming similar barriers. Even a small peer support circle can help. Realizing that even the most successful women once heard “you can’t” too can be profoundly validating. The key is to build your own squad of supporters who remind you that your ambitions are valid. With the right allies in your corner, you’ll be far less likely to believe that shame voice that says “it’s just you.”
Speak Your Ambition – and Strategically Plan for It
Another way to break the hold of internalized shame is to own your ambition out loud. This might mean explicitly stating your career goal to your manager, or writing it down and sharing it with a trusted peer or mentor. It can feel scary to do this – we’re often conditioned to keep our big dreams hidden – but speaking your ambitions is a form of commitment to yourself. Moreover, when you vocalize your aspirations, you force yourself to start plotting the strategy to achieve them, turning a source of anxiety into a concrete plan.
I often tell younger women, “You can do it – but it takes strategy.” By strategy, I mean thinking through how to navigate potential landmines in advance. For instance, if you plan to ask for a promotion, you might gather clear evidence of your accomplishments and enlist a senior sponsor to back you up, knowing that women’s requests can sometimes face resistance. This isn’t pandering to bias; it’s being smart and prepared. Research on negotiation, for example, shows that women tend to get better outcomes when they combine competence with a communal framing – for example, emphasizing how the raise or expanded role will enable you to contribute even more to the team. That’s a strategic flourish that can disarm bias while still advocating for yourself.
Speaking your ambition also makes it easier for others to support you. Silence, on the other hand, only serves the status quo. So don’t keep your dreams tucked away in the shadows. Articulate them, and outline the steps that will get you there – whether it’s skills to build, connections to make, or the timeline of key moves. Treat your biggest career goal like a high-priority project plan worthy of all your talent and attention.
Cultivate Communities of Trust (Strength in Numbers)
Perhaps the most powerful tool for dissolving shame is community. Trauma researchers have noted that because so many wounds are relational, healing, too, happens through relationships. In the context of ambitious women, this means finding (or creating) spaces where women can openly share experiences, celebrate each other’s wins, and have each other’s backs. When women come together in this way, the effect is transformative. In my case, I joined a women-in-business circle early in my career, and hearing peers voice the same self-doubts I had was a revelation – suddenly those doubts felt normal (not a personal failing) and entirely surmountable. Research confirms that sharing our stories in a supportive group setting helps to defuse shame and build resilience. The simple act of saying “Me too, I’ve felt that,” in a safe space can make that shame crumble.
Moreover, being part of a trusted group allows us to practice vulnerability without fear of judgment. Every time we validate each other’s experiences, we chip away at the shame those experiences left behind. For example, it can be profoundly healing to hear a peer say, “That comment in the meeting was out of line – you had every right to speak up,” or to have a senior leader acknowledge the extra hurdles women face. As one leadership professor put it, “Being authentic with other people is a skill… we must teach young women how to build mutually supportive, authentic connections.” In a world that often pressures women to wear masks (to appear perfectly composed, never rattled), having a space where you can be your unfiltered self is incredibly freeing. Such spaces teach us that we are acceptable and “enough” as we are – ambitious goals, imperfections and all.
The role of community is also critical for accountability and change on a larger scale. When women (and allies) unite, they can push institutions to evolve. Employee Resource Groups (ERGs), for example, can collectively advocate for policies that reduce bias – like transparent pay scales, mentorship programs, or bias training – making the environment less shaming for the next generation of women. Indeed, organizations are increasingly being advised to address Tall Poppy Syndrome by adopting zero-tolerance policies for belittling or undermining behaviors and by ensuring transparency and fairness in promotions and pay. These kinds of changes often happen because a community of voices demanded it. By joining forces, we don’t just heal ourselves – we also drive structural progress that benefits all ambitious women.
In essence, community is the medium through which we correct the false message that there’s something wrong with an ambitious woman. Within a strong community, we witness each other’s brilliance and resilience firsthand. We come to know in our bones that the shame was misplaced – not one of us should ever have had to dim our light. And with that knowledge, we can collectively forge a new culture where women’s ambition is seen not as a threat, but as a tremendous asset.
Conclusion: You Can Do It – With Strategy, Support, and Self-Belief
Shame around ambition is a thief. It steals our voice, our confidence, and our opportunities before we even realize it. But it only has as much power as we give it. By exposing the forces that nurture that shame – outdated stereotypes, biases, and systemic inequities – we take the first step in reclaiming our narrative. We replace “I am not supposed to…” with “I have every right to….”
I began this post with my personal story of hearing “you can’t do it.” I’ll end on a personal note as well. Years ago, I sat quietly in meetings, afraid that my eagerness would be judged. Today, I stride into those rooms knowing I have earned my place, and I encourage the next woman to speak up and claim hers. I’ve seen firsthand that when one woman stands up without shame, it gives permission to others to do the same. Our ambition, as women leaders and entrepreneurs, is not a liability – it is our gift to the world. Companies, communities, and even nations thrive when women rise to their full potential.
So if ever that pang of doubt or shame strikes when you talk about your dreams, remember this: There is nothing shameful about your ambition. Wanting to lead, to innovate, to create change – these are virtues, not vices. The shame was never truly about you; it was about a society catching up to the fact that women can be both likable and powerful, both nurturing and boldly ambitious. And we are proving that every day. Lift your head high and carry your ambition proudly. Seek out those who celebrate it, and strategize with them about how to get where you want to go. When the voice of doubt says “you can’t,” come find me – or someone who believes in you – and we’ll gladly say, “Yes, you can… and here’s how.” Together, with well-earned confidence and mutual support, we will turn shame into fuel for our collective success. The era of women feeling ashamed for wanting more is ending. The era of women owning their ambition out loud is here – and we’re just getting started.
Call to Action: Share Your Story and Spread the Ambition
Now it’s your turn. I invite you, as a woman who leads, to share your own story of reclaiming ambition. Your voice and experiences are powerful – by speaking up, you can help another woman feel seen and understood. Connect with your peers or your company’s women’s network or ERG (Employee Resource Group) and discuss these ideas. Encourage others to apply these strategies, and consider mentoring a younger woman who could benefit from your insight. By sharing your story and championing these steps within your network, you’ll not only reinforce your own resolve – you’ll also spark a ripple effect, empowering more women to shed their shame and pursue their ambitions boldly. Let’s continue this conversation and, together, keep turning shame into strength.