Ever left a negotiation feeling you gave up too much? Chances are you weren’t fully clear on what you wanted going in. We often focus on tactics to persuade the other side, but the most important negotiation strategy starts with you. In fact, negotiation expert William Ury (co-author of Getting to Yes) argues that one of the biggest obstacles in any deal is often the person in the mirror. Before you can get someone else to say “yes,” you need to get to yes with yourself by understanding exactly what you want and value.
Whether you’re buying a house, negotiating a job offer, or closing a business deal, the preparation is the same: clarity is key. Before you sit down at the table, make sure you can answer three critical questions about any deal:
What do I truly want and value? – Outline your goals, priorities, and “non-negotiables.” What outcome would make you satisfied, and why does it matter to you? If you don’t know what a good deal looks like for you, it’s impossible to pursue it. As one business coach puts it, “Clarity serves as your compass” in a negotiation – without it, you’ll end up reacting to the other side’s moves instead of assertively steering toward your goals. Conversely, when you know exactly what you want (and why), you stay on track, communicate effectively, and navigate counteroffers with confidence.
What is the real value at stake? – Do your homework on the value of what’s being negotiated – in both qualitative and quantitative terms. For a job offer or salary discussion, that might mean knowing market pay ranges and the value of each benefit. For a business contract, it could mean understanding the dollar value of various concessions or the market demand. Clarity here also means knowing what’s valuable to the other side. If you understand what each side values, you can trade smartly (for example, conceding an issue less important to you but highly valued by them). In short, arm yourself with information – market research, expert opinions, past precedents – so you have an objective sense of what’s fair and realistic. This prevents wildly unreasonable asks and ensures you won’t inadvertently accept a subpar deal due to ignorance.
What are my boundaries (my walk-away point)? – Determine the bounds of your negotiation upfront. What’s the minimum outcome you would accept, and where will you walk away? In negotiation terms, know your BATNA – your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (e.g. “If I can’t secure at least $X salary, I have another job offer I’ll take instead”). Being clear on your BATNA gives you a firm backbone; as the classic advice from Getting to Yes goes, “the reason you negotiate is to produce something better than the results you can obtain without negotiating”. Never agree to less than your best alternative. Without a clear BATNA and walk-away point, you’re essentially negotiating blindly. By setting your boundary in advance, you’ll know which compromises are reasonable and which would leave you worse off than no deal at all.
Failing to pin down these three points can lead to serious regret. You don’t want to set yourself up for resentment down the road by failing to ask for what you really want up front. It’s also challenging to negotiate with someone who lacks clarity – if you don’t know what you want, the other party can’t know either, often resulting in drawn-out, frustrating talks. To see the difference clarity makes, consider two scenarios:
Without self-clarity: Imagine a manager negotiating a job offer without a clear sense of their worth. Feeling unsure, they avoid naming a number and say “I’m open.” The discussion drifts until the manager, eager to please, accepts a low offer with vague promises of future raises. Later, they feel undervalued and bitter about a salary that doesn’t meet their needs.
With self-clarity: Now imagine instead this manager has done their homework. They know the market rate for the role, have a target salary in mind, and have decided they must have flexible hours because they value work-life balance. When the offer comes in low, they confidently counter with a specific number backed by industry data, and propose a flexible schedule arrangement. They can clearly explain why their ask is reasonable. The result? The employer takes them seriously. Together they find a compromise – a moderate pay bump plus one day a week remote – that respects the manager’s key needs. The manager leaves feeling satisfied because they stood up for what mattered most.
In the second scenario, clarity saved the day. The manager knew their “YES” – the deal they would happily say yes to – and so they negotiated toward that outcome rather than being swept along.
Reflection Prompt: Think of a past negotiation (big or small) where you felt dissatisfied afterward. Did you clearly define what you really wanted before you started negotiating? Jot down one or two priorities that, in hindsight, you wish you had voiced upfront. How might knowing your own “yes” have led to a different outcome?
The “Getting to Yes” Framework: Principles for Win‑Win Negotiation
Once you’ve gotten yes for yourself – in other words, once you are clear on your own interests and limits – the next step is getting to yes with the other party. One proven approach to reach mutual agreement is the “Getting to Yes” framework from the Harvard Negotiation Project. In their book Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In, Roger Fisher and William Ury introduced the world to principled negotiation, a cooperative approach in which both sides work toward a win‑win outcome. Instead of viewing negotiation as a zero-sum showdown of wills, Fisher and Ury urge negotiators to use strategies that help both parties get more of what they want – by listening closely, treating each other fairly, and jointly exploring creative options to increase value. They outline four fundamental principles to achieve this:
Separate the people from the problem. Negotiations involve human beings with emotions, egos, and perspectives. Don’t let personal friction or miscommunication derail the substantive issues. Attack the problem, not each other. For example, if tempers flare or misunderstandings arise, address those feelings (“I understand this issue is frustrating”) separately from the concrete terms being discussed. Preserving the relationship by respecting the person – while jointly tackling the problem – sets the stage for collaboration rather than conflict.
Focus on interests, not positions. A position is a stated demand or stance (e.g. “I won’t pay more than $1000” or “We need a 12-month lease”). Interests are the underlying needs, motives, or concerns that led to that stance (e.g. “I need to stay under budget” or “I want stability without frequent moves”). Fisher and Ury found that behind opposing positions are often compatible interests in disguise. By asking why the other side wants something, and by honestly sharing why you do, both sides can uncover what each truly values. Then you can brainstorm solutions that satisfy those core interests. In practice, this might mean expanding the pie or finding alternative ways to meet someone’s needs without undermining your own. Focusing on interests turns a confrontation into a problem-solving session.
Invent options for mutual gain. Don’t rush to settle on the first idea or assume a fixed pie. Be creative and brainstorm multiple options where each side gains more of what they care about. This is where knowing both your and the other party’s values pays off. For example, in a business negotiation one company might really need a quicker payment, while the other cares more about a higher total price – so the solution could involve an early-payment discount that addresses both interests. Generating options might mean thinking outside the box (different contract structures, throw-ins, trade-offs) so that no value is left on the table. The key is to collaborate on ideas rather than assume the first “take it or leave it” offer is the only way.
Insist on objective criteria. When you do disagree on a number or term, refer to independent standards to keep negotiation fair and factual. This could be market value, industry benchmarks, legal standards, expert opinions, or precedent. Using objective criteria helps avoid sliding into a battle of wills or personal opinions. For instance, if you think a consulting fee should be higher, come armed with data on typical rates for similar projects. Objective standards serve as a neutral reference point – it’s easier to persuade someone (and to justify your stance) if you can say “this offer is in line with market trends” rather than just “because I want it.” Agreeing on criteria together can build trust that everyone is being treated fairly.
In addition to these principles, Getting to Yes introduced another game-changing concept: BATNA, or “Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement.” Your BATNA is essentially your plan B – what you’ll do if you don’t reach an agreement. It might be another buyer, a different job offer, or simply delaying the deal. Knowing your BATNA gives you leverage. It’s the foundation of your walk-away point, as we discussed earlier. If you know you have a decent alternative, you won’t accept a lousy deal just because you feel pressured. Fisher and Ury famously note that “the reason you negotiate is to produce something better than the results you can obtain without negotiating” – in other words, never accept a deal inferior to your BATNA. If you do, you’d have been better off not negotiating at all. Determining your BATNA (and if possible, estimating the other side’s BATNA) gives you a clear benchmark of what is acceptable. It prevents you from agreeing to terms outside your bounds. Without a clear BATNA, one party will end up with an unbalanced, regret-filled outcome – or as the authors put it, they’d be “simply negotiating blindly.”
Reflection Prompt: Think of an upcoming negotiation in your life. What’s your BATNA if you can’t reach an agreement? And what do you suspect is the other side’s BATNA? Jot down a brief plan for what you’ll do if a deal isn’t reached. This clarity will help you stay firm and avoid feeling compelled to say yes when you really should say no.
Bringing It All Together – Say “Yes” to Yourself First
Great negotiators understand that clarity and self-agreement come first. When you are clear on your own “yes” – your goals, values, and limits – you lay a strong foundation to reach an agreement that genuinely works for you. You approach the table prepared and confident, rather than hesitant or desperate. This inner clarity, combined with the collaborative “Getting to Yes” approach, transforms negotiations from stressful showdowns into constructive conversations. Instead of haggling in the dark, you and the other party can jointly craft solutions that satisfy everyone’s core interests. The outcome is not only better deals, but deals made with integrity and without lingering bitterness.
In practice, getting to yes with yourself means doing the internal negotiation first: you negotiate between your fears and your hopes, between what you ideally want and what you realistically need. By reconciling those internally, you prevent self-sabotage and show up to the external negotiation with a clear mind and firm conviction. Remember, if you don’t clearly say yes to what you want, you’ll end up saying yes to what someone else wants – and that’s a recipe for disappointment. But when you know your yes and communicate it confidently, you invite the other side to work with you toward a win–win outcome.
Every negotiation, from multimillion-dollar business deals to everyday compromises, is ultimately human. It’s about two (or more) people trying to satisfy their needs. Approaching it with clarity and a collaborative mindset is a negotiation strategy that stands the test of time. You’ll not only reach better agreements – you’ll also build better relationships. Instead of feeling like you “won” but at a personal cost, or “lost out” because you caved, you’ll feel satisfied that you achieved an outcome that honors your true objectives. That confidence and trust carry forward, strengthening your reputation as a fair and effective negotiator.
Motivational Takeaway: Negotiating with clarity and principle is a skill anyone can develop. It starts with getting comfortable saying “yes” to yourself – affirming that what you want matters – and then approaching the other side as a partner rather than an adversary. The next time you prepare for a major negotiation, take the time to really define your own yes. You’ll be amazed how much more persuasive and composed you’ll be when you know exactly what you’re after. In the end, the deals you make will not only be more favorable, they’ll feel earned and fair – the kind of win–win outcomes that set you up for long-term success.
Take Your Team’s Negotiation Skills to the Next Level
If you’re ready to elevate how your team negotiates – whether in sales, leadership, or any high-stakes negotiation – our custom training programs at Mastering Negotiations are designed to help. We partner with organizations to deliver tailored, science-backed workshops that turn everyday negotiations into trust-building, results-driving opportunities. Let’s design a training experience that fits your goals and unlocks your team’s full potential at the bargaining table.
Learn more or get in touch at www.masteringnegotiations.com.